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A Few Reflections on How This is Going

March 2nd, 2022

Note before we start: Upon reading this I think my writing tonight is a little more unhinged than I keep it normally. It's all over the place. Which is fun! Perhaps it keeps things a little looser.

So it's been a while since I've written anything. Actually, almost three weeks. Even before then, entries were at best coming every few days, not the consistent, article-a-day output I promised at the start.

In part, that's been because this semester became a lot, very quickly, and in the midst of all the school writing, this writing became a lot less fun and more tiring. But it's not just that writing is a lot of work, or that I'm tired more often. I think college is so fast paced and stimulating that it keeps me from thinking particularly deeply about stuff. Even if not all the posts on here are some emotional, soul-barring production it certainly dries up my well of ideas.

That's because I think I have this ambition that if I write about something, it should be a fully developed argument, or, like, there should be a point behind it. It might just be preventing me from writing more but I have a lot of trouble just talking about something that happened to me today if I'm not unpacking a broader significance.

That's what's yielded some of the best stuff I've put out in the past. Sometimes people texted me about it, which was super nice. And the stuff I really feel the worst about has always been the silly observations that don't have enough meat to really take me anywhere. Sometimes they just become egotistical and elitist. My worst of all time list includes the time I wrote I didn't think it was possible for me to catch covid (and seemed like an anti vaxxer) or the time I wrote about how I enjoy group work at Tufts because I'm just too cool to be around normal people (and it made me look like a horrible person. Or maybe I just am. Hahaha).

Ok, moving on.

I think there's possibly more for me to write on this website. Yesterday Ben texted me and told me he was going to venmo request me the extremely small amount of money he needs to pay the fees for the site. And I sent it over. I haven't been writing but I think I'm happy to keep it up because perhaps I will.

And that brought us to this evening, when I found myself with not much to do but a lot of strange energy I think I have bottled up. So as some mechanism to release it I am here, writing this.

At the end of the day, the point of this is to give me a place to store information I generate so I can look back at it later and see if I can get into my past self's head. I've been writing my content to be as palatable as possible to people reading it in the moment. That's fine, but I think knowing I had an audience made it harder to write in a way that calmed me down, like I am tonight. Instead, I was thinking of it like a newspaper article. That process drained me.

Perhaps I'm going to try to start writing again. But no more newspaper article. I will perhaps write a lot about mock trial. I will perhaps write about random things. But I will not try to design my stuff so other people will find it interesting, because this is supposed to make my life easier to understand and the other way just added one more task to complete.

Ok. I think I'm done now.